4 MIN READ
PM Concept: Difference between Managing and Leading
I remember the day my teenage son shouted …
“I DON’T GET THINGS LIKE I USED TO, OKAY!! SCHOOL JUST ISN’T MY THING ANYMORE!”
This rare moment of true emotion from my son had me reeling, and my heart, heavy. Then it becomes clear to me. THIS is a defining moment – not just for him, but for me as well. Because HERE AND NOW, I am faced with one of my biggest Mom-Fails – I’ve been managing him, not leading him.
The fact is that I have never, ever let this child fail at anything.
And now he is struggling to find that thing inside to push himself past this difficulty, a.k.a. his 5th gear.
And it’s because I never properly helped him to develop that.
But I’m not alone.
Recent news of The College Admissions Scandal with celebrities like Felicity Huffman of “Desperate Housewives” is proof, on a MUCH LARGER scale, that we as parents will go through great lengths to save our kids from this feeling of inadequacy.
But why??? Why DON’T we let our kids fail sometimes??
I know one reason… we perceive it as a failure on our part.
So after looking back at my fail, I can now see through project manager eyes, that how I have managed my son, expecting my directions to land him to a specific end.
When instead, I should have been leading by working with and discussing with my child through each experience and possible failure, so that he could grow incrementally on his own.
As mothers, we would be surprised by how much more resilient our kids could be by being there when they fail and using a combination of Leadership Styles to support them.
Lesson 1: Leading from Behind
Moms are traditionally considered protective. However, there are times when this fierce protection is a function of our fears rather than a shelter from true harm.
There have been times when my worries about my son’s college future forced me to jump into his schoolwork because I feared the downward spiral of a bad grade.
I knew he was smart (gifted, to be honest), but my fear of the college acceptance maze overpowered my awareness of his gift.
As mothers, we sometimes need Laissez-faire leadership or leading from behind – where our kids set (or not set) their goals and regardless of the outcome, they’ll learn from it. When mistakes happen help them to see the lesson in it!
Remember: They haven’t failed, they’ve grown!
Lesson 2: Dependence is Disabling and Non-creative
Once my middle son had a 2nd-grade project with Daddy as “his assistant”. Clearly it was NOT the work of a 2nd grader. In fact, while Daddy was painting, our son walked away to play with toys.
Telling yourself “I do all of this for them, so they will know how to do it on their own” is causing your child to press the DISABLE button on their learning and growth. Conversely, they begin to subconsciously think, “It’s ok, they’ll do it for me”.
Moms, in moments like this, we might want to lean on Transformational Leadership, where you give your children the responsibility and motivation to dream and create. Who knows what innovation could be born from that if we hadn’t taken over our son’s project.
ENABLING Responsibility teaches our kids independence, to not only do but to also trust what they can create. And independence is taught best through experience – not by sitting on the sidelines.
Lesson 3: Find the Right Amount of Push and Pull
After realizing I had been my son’s safety net for far too long, I found myself trying to toughen him up, for when “life gets hard”. But my wake-up call came when he said, “I always get yelled at… It’s like I’m always doing something wrong”.
Sometimes we can find ourselves “over-correcting” as we try to ENABLE responsibility. Our parenting style has swung from “hovering and smothering” to “cease and censure”.
‘Wake-up calls’ helps us to remember that there’s a perfect balance between being their biggest cheerleader and their most honest critic. Through Charismatic Leadership, the words that WE say matter most to them when cheerleading AND critiquing.
So, make them count – whether you are pushing them to greatness or pulling them close for comfort.
Lesson 4: Help them find their “5th Gear”
In the past, when procrastination and bad grades reared their ugly head, I’d jump in and help save the day, express my disappointment, they’d get a good grade and life would go on. Needless to say, no real improvements would occur.
So exactly HOW does one get their child to motivate themselves?? A: Find the right motivation!
For our oldest, the words “MANDATORY UNIFORM” at his non-uniform school for missing assignments evoked fear greater than our yelling. And the reward of a pierced ear was dream come true.
HIS RESPONSE: “Mom, it’s high risk… but very high reward… I LIKE IT!”
Some situations call for Transactional Leadership, where identifying something important to our children, that they stand to gain (and lose), will allow them to stretch themselves farther, reach for greater, and gain confidence in self.
The Result: They find their” 5th gear”!
So if you’re a mom like me, who has been become accustomed to handling all of the little things that go wrong for your child, learn from my experiences before they grow into a bigger issue.
Instead, use your mixed bag of tricks. By leading from behind, pressing the Responsibility/ Creativity ENABLE button, managing the Cheerleader-Critic balance, and pressing your child to develop their 5th gear, you will build a child who can handle the UPs and DOWNs of life and not crumble under the pressure, because they will learn, grow, and create a new opportunity for themselves.
Because at the end of the day, the true success factor that moms are looking for is knowing they’ve raised a confident and self-sufficient young adult.
